butterfly hope

Love is a funny word – we use it to describe our feelings towards food, cars, sports stars, our children and our soul mates. It may be the most fickle of words. “Yesterday, I loved Joes’ Pizzeria; but today I am in love with Sam’s Italian Pies.” Unfortunately,   many feel that way about our wives/husbands too.

I have discovered that love is more of an action – than a word. It is an emotion which comes from the heart – and yes because of circumstances, it sometimes changes. When it comes to people, sometimes we grow in different directions than our partners. Which is neither good nor bad – it just is.

I would like to explore several types of love – real love. I am going to do it in an autobiographical format, as to demonstrate what I have discovered – and frankly still discovering.

I am a man who has taken a few trips around the bases – somehow always failing to slide into home safely. However, I always have been willing to climb back into the batter’s box.

My last long-term relationship started out as most of my relationships – on the heels of my previous one; without any time to catch my breath or get a sense of direction.

Not defending myself, but many of us do this – the fact most of my relationships were just a continuous string of one person to the next. There was a period of about 11 months that I was pseudo-single. During that period I was waiting for a girlfriend to leave her husband so we could be together forever. When I finally realized that wasn’t going to happen; I quickly jumped into the next.  That was the one that led me to the last.

This is a pattern l learned from my family and many others. This isn’t a defense of my action, just an explanation. The majority of people do this. If you want proof look at match.com – many of the subscriber advertise themselves as newly divorced or just separated.

Taking time off from a relationship provides a person with the opportunity to heal.

Anyway back to this “last relationship.” I started off at a place of need. All the red flags that were blowing in the wind just did not get my attention. Numerous friends cautioning me – went unnoticed.

Early in the relationship, when my new partner, stole my gun and truck and threatened to kill herself – kind of slipped my attention. Her first overdose – made me decide to call it quits – which lasted 24 hours longer than the baker act.

During our time together – there were bouts of violence ( I was the victim), vicious lies and manipulation. There was drama after drama and an entire world of chaos. In between there was good times –some great times. However most of the time – I was thinking of ways of getting out. I had outgrown my days of having an affair, so I could have the next one on the hook before I left. There were multiple break-ups – that lasted a few hours to a few days – once for four months. Yet the fatal attraction lured me back.

To complicate matters - I would tell my friends about the little games she played amd the lies. Such as having pictures of me cheating, when a friend happened to stumble into me talking with my exwife. Or the file of all my past misdeed that "a friend" in the States Attorney office had compiled. Or the many other stories - all that were not true. Several of my friends and I started referring to her as "the spy." My mockery of her games was just as bad as the game itself. Perhaps if I continously confronted her on the validity of these stories - she would have ceased. By making fun of them, according to the laws of attraction, I was just inviting more.

Then there was the second O.D. – this one nearly fatal. Yet I hung around – truthfully and shamefully, I stuck around just for semi- regular sex. Other than that, I no longer care. Even with the sex, I was just going through the motion. I knew the end was near; I just wasn't quite ready to pull the plug.

Until my partner had an affair – and then it was like my entire world caved in. I didn’t really want her; but I didn’t have anyone else – and wasn’t ready to give her up. Looking back on the entire relationship, I am not sure this was her first affair - just the first I caught her in.

This is when the first case of love came in. My friends all rallied around me – they took turns making sure I was okay. Friends came from near and far to check on me. Friends who I had not seen more than a few times since high school rose to the occasion.

This was the strongest definition of love I had ever experienced – these people gave without any expectation in return – they just gave. They listened, gave advice when I asked – made sure I was safe.

After some time alone (meaning without being in a relationship) – I realized I was going through a series of co-dependent relationship – whereas there may have been a degree of love – the basis was “the need” to belong.

As for this previous relationship, I do not want to paint my partner green and place her on a broom. I am no angel either. Some of the destructive things she was doing in the relationship – the lying, the manipulation, the failure to show proper regards for feelings – I too was guilty of.

Many experts will tell you when you see something you don’t like in your partner – it is merely a reflection of things you don’t like in yourself.

The next love- was learning to love, respect and like myself. I did this by taking a full evaluation of myself. I studied my traits and I changed them – I am continuing the process. I took the time to know who I am. I am no longer afraid to be alone – actually I kind of like it.

My work has been rewarded –as I am more social than ever before. I am calmer more relaxed – I truly like me.

Over the past few years I have been dating numerous ladies – honestly, they all knew there was not an exclusive arrangement. Nor did I expect them to be exclusive.  Early in this process, there were a couple of times I started to slip into old patterns – but was able to right the ship.

I came to the place in my life where I wanted to find that life partner – but was not suffocating to do so. I was content to be single and have “several friends.” Most of the time those friends were really just people to go to the movies with or to dinner – some were more involved, but never for very long.

The next love was my renewed focus on the spiritual self – connecting with the Divine. I do this through prayer, and meditation – and through talking to my spiritual guides.

Often when people pray – they do so for instant answers. We have a difficult time with “not now.” Every girl I went out with – I learned to ask my guides which direction it should go – they always told me. There was not one that the guides said “This is the one.” Through listening, I managed to stay clear of any great difficulties – and manage to meet some nice ladies. It is my hope that they gained as much from our friendship as I did.

I need to mention - in the previous relationship, I asked my guides about her numerous times - they always said "no." For whatever reason - I wasn't ready to listen.

Over the summer – my guides told me that I was going to meet a special lady in September or October – to be prepared.  I met a new lady in September at an in-service I performed for work. A nice lady – who sent electricity streaking down my spine. However, it was a work relationship, and she was a few years younger than I; so I went searching for Ms. Right.

September and October passed – and there was still not Ms. Right, another lady entered my life; as a friend – and I thought maybe; yet it wasn’t quite right.

My guides told me to be patient – that I was going to be with someone soon. I remained patient, continuing to date by committee.

The week of Christmas, a good friend called me –one who had assisted me through my previous relationship. She danced around the bush for a bit, which made me suspicious that there was something she wanted to tell me. Finally, she told me that her boss was asking about “my situation.” I asked her what she told her – and she said that “I was very single.”  I took this information and prayed and meditated for a few days. After careful contemplation, I decided to ask her boss out on a date – which she accepted. BTW – her boss was the lady from September.

Though the relationship is young – this is what I notice. We have many common interests, but encourage each other to pursue individual interests. We are always truthful. We are willing to accept each other’s pasts. We discuss things and ideas. We do not panic when we are apart. When we talk – we eagerly listen about each other’s week.  We are taking the proper steps to grow together. We have regards for each other’s feelings.  To me this is love.

In a year – check back on this site to see where the story is going. I am sure which ever road it takes we will both feel enhanced. Better yet – start your own story. But do it with actions –not words.