butterfly hope

Lori lives in Ocala, Florida. She has been battling colon cancer with metastasis to the liver for one and a half years. She has a passion for life. Lori is also on a crusade to encourage everyone to get early screenings. Early detection saves lives!

Lori will be writing a monthly column for Butteryfly Hope. It is her desire to inspire all people battling a terminal illness to keep a positive attitude and to get the most out of life.

updated 11/16/08

I am walking my dog in our neighborhood. It’s a crispy-warm fall day. I inhale slowly, inhaling the scent of water, fresh blowing trees, grass, and the sun.

 I realize these smells are purifying me and breathing life into me, I understand the power and strength of nature.

God created these very elements to cohabitate with mankind.

I am depressed today, thinking of my not so certain future and some family problems.

I’m tired of being in limbo and never knowing “if”, “when” or “will I be able to.”

Until reaching outside, I could not silence my mind from these worried. Then, in the midst of a normal fall day, I saw so much. I saw regeneration with the breeze and the pollen. I felt healing with the warmth of the sunlight. I listened to the melody of the seagulls. I heard children’s laughter, the playful pant of my puppy. Suddenly I stopped walking and just circled in place and absorbed the scene. It was a very normal, nice afternoon filled with life. Laughter.  Play.

WE are fighting, yes, but let’s not retrieve from the thing that bring LIFE to us. Me must include them and incorporate them into our schedule. Enjoy them truly. Have fun.

If we choose to live through our disease, perhaps it loses its’ power. If we allow ourselves to NOT focus only on it, it will become smaller and less intimidating. It’s a part of us, but let’s table it , even for a short time and play. Laugh as hard as ever. Frolick Love and be loved. LIVE with pleasure. Maybe this can be a part of our personal therapy.

I can do it sometimes, It does get easier after a few attempts.

Together we fight, together we find more cures, together we believe.

In God’s Love,

Lori

updated 10/17/08

 Our struggles continue throughout life, but they also bring strength and lessons.

At the Cancer Center, we have become a family. Doctor's, Nurses, Patients. I've been going there for over two years now and would never have made it this far without them. The inner support of family and friends is crucial to this battle. However, the sanctuary of hope, love, hugs and understanding that we find there cannot be accurately described.

My first chemo treatment was horrific. THAT room was confirming the reality of this nightmare. THAT room, is now, one of the places I feel most safe.
When I receive treatment, I am SHARING the whole thing that IS cancer with others who are living it too. WE GET IT. We learn that we share much more than an illness. We grow to know one another. We are excited with someone else's survival and we are deeply sorrowed by another's loss.

I am grateful for all of them. Each and every person has taught me, shown enormous strength and love. Many people wonder why they have become ill. I think I am understanding some of the reasons.
God has brought many new people into my life. He provided those who loved me when I was still "me, and continue to love me.  I now know who were my true friends and have gained others.

I see the world as beautiful. People as compassionate. Family and friends as treasures. Faith as my saving grace.
So much I have discovered along this journey. Yes, I am at a fork in the road of my life. I miss myself and the life I believed I would have. But I accept this new "me". Perhaps more than my former self.
I have HAD to become intimate with myself and realize who I am. Truly. Cancer has forced me to look into the depth of my being and see the bad, the pain, the regrets and glimpse the little good.
I appreciate the love that surrounds me. My family and friends are etched inside. They run through my veins. my mother, my son, my companion and, not least at all, my girls.

I think what I'm trying to say is if you have the misfortune of being ill, never forget the Grace and Blessings that you have. Ultimately, they are the ingredients of " a good life".
Keep on fighting. If we have true Faith, no matter what happens, we cannot lose.

Lovingly,
Lori

updated 09/01/08 

As I exited the vehicle, it struck me…..the majesty, beauty and immense peace. I walked in a full circle and was overcome by this creation of God called The Smoky Mountains.

The fertile green, the mountain peaks, the wild animals frolicking freely. More surprising than the panorama were the lives of the wild. I watched their inter-action. They all just went about their day, clearing the way for one another or playing together.

They showed immense respect.

 I wished that, we, humans, could learn from their example. I took it all in and formed photographic memories to carry within me.

What I learned is that respect, love and caring are elements with which we are created. They are embedded, etched into our souls. Then why is it that we so easily let go of these instincts and become less kind?  Why do we find it more difficult  to offer aide than to ignore its’ need?

I said a prayer of thanks for being able to experience that lesson and hope that it will, in return, help me change into a better person.

Here’s to the animals and their carefree, loving existence. Let’s try to be more like them.

God Speed,

Lori

updated 7/30/08

For my August column, I am compelled to write a letter of thanks and praise.

May you all continue to be strong, brave and victorious.

God Speed,

Lori

Jesus,

You gave us life through Your death; guide us with Your light.

Challenges, success, betrayal, love. These events take place to help us form and become the person You fashioned upon our creation.

How disappointed You must be in some of us. You dwell within us. I, for one, am not a house worthy of Your presence. When I became desperate, frightened and besieged, I called upon You for help. How dare I ask the one who gave me everything for more?

I have come to realize my life is abundant. You have granted too many blessings to me, a meager sinner.

Lord, I ask forgiveness for my sins. I am grateful for all that has been brought to me. There is nothing I cannot face, as long as I face it through You, With You and In You.

When I feel scared, I start to pray and the fears begin to fade. When I’m low and all alone, I start to pray and feel Your glow. Late at night, when evil comes, I state Your name and it takes flight.

Between the veil of fear and the threat of death, I always know that You’re my breath.

I pray to You, my Savior. Please stay with me. Only then can I see Your truth.

Updated 07/02/08

As we travel through this amazing life, we will find bumps and cracks in it. We walk over the bumps, seal the cracks and continue our journey. Life, no matter what challenges we face, goes on. And so do we. I write these words from

I hope you are all warriors and we can eradicate this enemy together! God Speed,

Lori

The definition of a miracle according to American Heritage Dictionary is " an event inexplicable by the laws of nature and so held to be supernatural in nature or an act of God."

I have always prayed for and believed in miracles, just never thought one would affect me.

We have the definition, but what are the components of my miracle? I believe that through Divine Intercession I received the grace of healing. Love, spoken and answered prayer, faith and support came from my friends.

When I was initially diagnosed with my Stage!V cancer, the tumor marker count was 1,700. A healthy marker count is 3.5 or below. Yesterday, my count had reached the inexplicable low of 0.7. 

The entire Oncology staff and I cried; we asked my Doctor how this happened. He replied that there was absolutely no medical or scientific reason for he never had an expectation of remission.

It was, in short, a miracle. Although, it may be short-lived as most remissions are, I am completely blessed and non-plussed that He would grant a miracle to me.

Pope Benedict spoke on many topics that all came together in his

USA

visit's main theme of "Christ Our Hope". I have now an further obligation to spread Christ's love, mercy and immense compassion...Hope... to everyone.

Just when the caterpillar thought its life was over.....it became a butterfly

Updated 4/01/08

As I take a pleasant walk through a serene park, my senses become honed. I take it all in.
The heat from the sun, the rustle of the wind, the song of the birds. I tire quickly and find
a shaded bench to rest on. I sit and try to concentrate on the beauty and sounds by which I'm
surrounded. Then it hits me. The doom, the worry, the fear. Fear is the one that I taste. It's acidity filling not only my throat, but also my center. I allow it to reach the places normally protected by happiness, calm, and normalcy. These emotions are familiar, so I bask in them for a bit.
Then I pray for the Lord to take them away and replace them with His calming Grace. While praying, a sense of well-being begins to envelop me. It is followed by the smell of a fertile garden and its' many flowers. My eyes closed, I am transported to that circle of peace: sunlight, flowers and butterflies.
I ask myself why I am forlorn when, with a prayer, I am given such blessings.

I start my return path to my car. For once my mind is silenced. I realize that God never leaves us.
In His Divine care, no matter what life will bring, even the moments of horror, He provides the strength,
courage and compassion that enables us to reclaim the day as ours. We will always have times of challenge, but the result is endurance and the lesson of overcoming.

Try smiling at a stranger, and you will find that they return the favor. Assist someone infirmed by opening a door for them, and you will feel a greater happiness throughout your day. Hug people.
They hug back. Feel that exchange of friendship. Random acts of kindness provide a surprise to people who believe they are unnoticed. Notice them. Your gift will enhance both of you.

I sign off this month with hope, courage, ready to face my next dark moment, secure in the knowledge that it will pass.

Respectfully,

Lori

Updated 3/1/08

As it was a day of fatigue, I was resting in bed. Through the opened window came the start of a vivacious thunder storm. I have never liked thunder and lightning, yet; today, there was an element that enticed me to listen.
I heard a symphony from heaven! The rain cleansing and bringing purity, the thunder resonating  justice, and the lightning a reminder of the power of faith.
Our Divine Saviour was cleansing his creation! Restoring things to the innocence with which they had been made.
I listened and experienced this melodious, soothing storm. I heard the elements whispering their wisdom. Even the wind sang its' message.

Believe. Be still and listen. Receive the message of hope, love, and miracles. Anything is possible with God. As his servant, I remain obedient and trust him with me.

My life tok a turn for the worse, however, through this battle I am learning much.
I encourage all of you to embrace nature and all the wonderful things that signify life, cleansing
and bring an embrace of peace.

Lori

February 2008 

We are almost always sure that we know who we are, where we're going in life, as we plan our golden years.

Then, in a mere second, as you hear the words:” its cancer", all that knowledge is shattered. You are no longer the person you were a moment ago.

In time, living with cancer becomes your every day. I was able to reclaim bits of who I used to be. I've also become a different person. I have much to be grateful for. Here's my story:

I was a 43 year old, single mother with a successful career. I had few, but remarkable, friends and a relationship that was progressing well.

On an August evening, after having experienced a predictable day at work, I started hemorrhaging badly.

No pain, no symptoms, just black, black blood. Lots of it. I called my boyfriend, (we both work in healthcare) and told him I had cancer. I knew. I didn't want confirmation. I kept bleeding but went to bed trying not to envision how my life was about to be altered.

The next morning, still losing much blood, I went to work. (I thought that if I continued as always, I could avoid the inevitable.) Please, if you experience even the slightest of bleeding, get it checked out.

The importance of early detection cannot be emphasized enough. It saves lives. It can save yours.

I lost so much blood that I needed transfusions. I remember driving to the E.R. I KNEW what they were going to find. I didn't know how bad it was, however, I stopped and savored all that I knew and said a prayer of thanks for how my life had been blessed until then.

It was/is cancer. Stage IV Colon Cancer that had spread throughout the liver. I had surgery, started chemo, and made my funeral arrangements.

My oncologist politely informed me that this was the "biggest tumor I've ever seen". I asked him how long he had been a physician. He said 27 years.

That was 18 months ago. Yes, my chemo continues. I have sat down with the Devil. He tries to embrace me.

God always rescues me from Satan's snares.

I am not able to work; however, I attended my son's high school graduation, and was here for his first day of college. My friends and loved ones engulf me with love, laughter, support and lots of chocolate.

I lost my hair, but its back. I feel lonely and lost at times, but God always returns me to reality.

As I said earlier, my life is greatly blessed. I have cancer, but it does not define who I am. I am Lori, living my life to its' maximum. Appreciating nature, dancing in the wind and loving deeper. Understanding more. Just living.

Being diagnosed with cancer is an awful experience. But, for the moment, my life continues. I choose to live as a "well" person for as long as I can. I live knowing that I'm dying, but experiencing each joyful day as I live it.  

 You can e-mail Lori at:

lori@butterflyhope.com